The following three illustrations were published in the October 1917 issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine . The three short fables were part of a set of seven collectively called New Fables in Slang: A Mosquito Fleet of Undersized Chasers and Destroyers, written by George Ade and illustrated by John T. McCutcheon.
Clara once-overed the whole Layout through the Specs that she carried on a Mother-of-Pearl Handle
Once a Young Man employed in the remote corner of a buzzling Beehive alighted from the Horse Car and hurried to his Suburban Dove-Cote.
He found Peaches-and-Cream in the two-by-twice Kitchen, superintending a Soup-Bone.
Disentangling himself from her Embraces, he produced a Paper Box.
Just to prove that Honey Boy had kept Tab on the Calendar and knew when Jelly Roll would arrive at her 22d Milestone, he dangled in front of her a Necklace which was pure Imitation Coral, all except the teeny Pendant, the latter being shaped like a Heart and plated with real Gold.
The gurgling Honeymooner had laid himself out to the Tune of Three Bucks.
Clara acted as if the Dinky had set him back at least Three Million.
She said he was her Darling Otey and so Kind to her that sometimes she felt unworthy.
The Moons waxed and waned, Harvest following Seed Time.
Under the bright Sunshine of Prosperity, the vaporous clouds of Love's Young Dream became condensed into pleasing Actualities.
One morning Clara awoke at 9:45 to the horrifying knowledge that she was 52 years to the Worse.
Ahead of her were the Dark Woods, where the Ravens Croak, the Fox-Trot is left behind, and Knitting grows on every Bush.
She rose with but one Thought in operation and that was to guard well her Secret.
Otis was waiting for her in the Breakfast Room, flanked about by Pale Servants.
He said he had ordered up the new Car as a trifling reminder of the awful Anniversary, and would she go out and see what was Wrong with it and have it over with.
On the sheltered Driveway stood a next year's Motor.
It was a beautiful Monster, with the sheen of Satin, the well-ordered compactness of a Swiss Watch, and a Purr like that of a Pet Kitten.
Hundreds and hundreds of men had delved in Mines and chopped in Forests and wrought with complicated Machines and computed with delicate Instruments and worried over Blue Prints to produce this domesticated and refined Juggernaut.
A woman sewing in a tenement Sweat-Shop could earn in 30 years enough Money to buy such a Car if she saved every Cent and never took a Day off.
The Check which paid for the Car would have meant a comfortable Fortune for any Man in the year 1850.
Clara once-overed the whole Layout through the Specs that she carried on a Mother-of-Pearl Handle, and the she remarked, as if she had received a Knife Thrust right into the Heart, that Mrs. Williston-Gibbs had one that you ordered from England two years in Advance because the output was only 8 a year.
Moral: The easiest Thing to get used to is Letting Go of it .
A Friend was trying to get her to Strafe a little, but she refused to come through
Once there was an important Fembale given to tapping the Foot impatiently, biting the Lower Lip, and looking Daggers.
When she came near the Bowl, the Goldfish would hide under the Rocks.
This haughty Harriet had put the tag of Disapproval on the War, just to prove that her perfumed Personality could not be shifted by any movement of the Common Herd.
She was one of those Women that the Minute you meet her you have a Curiosity to get acquainted with her Husband and listen to his Explanation of how it happened.
A Friend was trying to get her to Strafe a little, but she refused to come Through.
“Surely you sympathize with Belgium?” suggested the Friend.
“If those silly Belgians had not resisted, they would not have been subjected to Annoyance,” was the cool Reply.
“How about the Lusitania ?”
“The Germans told those People not to go on the Boat.”
“But they sank our own Ships.”
“Our Ships should have stayed at Home.”
“Every morning the Prussian Military Officer compels his Wife to kneel in front of him and rub up his Top-Boots.”
“Well, for the Love of Maude, Myrtle, and Marie! I hope Our Boys kill every one of them!”
Moral: Dig deep enough and you will strike an Artesian Well of Patriotism.
Finally he got Married without showing a Tremor, and the Wife must have been a game little Gal. She stood him for nearly Three Months
Once there was a Man who could pull such Words as “Vouchsafe” and “Eleemosynary” without backing up to get a Start.
He stuck to the same Weight the Year round and often complained that the Cold Water in the Shower was not Cold enough.
When it came to playing Chess, he was a Whiz.
At Bridge he never pulled a Boner, although often compelled to lob a reproving Glance at his Partner.
On the hottest Days his Collar never mushed.
He could wear a Cap without mussing his Hair.
In all his years of going about he never failed on a Welsh Rabbit, got too much Oil in the Salad Dressing, picked up the Wrong Fork, or put a Mark on the Table Cloth.
No one could stump him by asking for inside Dope on Late Work by some Hungarian Novelist. He was a Bear on the whole Line of Tea-Chatter.
He knew more about the Modern Dutch Painters than they knew about themselves.
Once every Two Years he would find a Play that he could sit through.
It was his Boast that he never dubbed a Mashie shot, because he made his Execution deliberate, kept the Arms well-in, and looked a Hole in the Ground until the little old Pill was safely on the Carpet.
Of course he had traveled Everywhere, preferring Rough Weather at Sea and never missing a Meal.
He card-indexed his Cravats and had a Razor for each Day in the Week.
He ate his Eggs from the Shell, and his Cigarettes had to be especially blended for him with a secret Percentage of unusual Perique.
Oh, yes! And he never missed a Train!
Neither did he split an Infinitive.
When conversing, he did not gum up on the minor Syllables, and in the matter of Correct Punctuation he batted 1000.
Finally he got Married without showing a Tremor, and the Wife must have been a game little Gal. She stood him for nearly Three Months.
Moral: Don't be too Efficient if you expect to find a Co-Efficient.